If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying...

I heard this old cliché again the other day, and it just now hit me as a flash of insight.  I was talking with one of my best friends tonight and he reminded me of the significant difference between little kids playing sports and when sports become more competitive.  We were talking about how professionals often have to psych themselves up by comparing their upcoming games with epic battles, the other teams as enemies to be hated and hurt and punished, while younger kids are just trying to have fun (usually), learning fundamentals (hopefully), and being cheered (and not booed) by the fans/parents.  When these things are cast as life and death struggles, it's no wonder that athletes are pushed toward eye-gouging in scrums, performance-enhancing drugs, and trying to circumvent the rules in general.  Furthermore, does it not explain why in the week before a rivalry game even the fan bases become violent toward each other?

Still, I must be healing or changing in some way.  I was discussing an opportunity to work with another college to develop some advanced high school geology programs similar to the one I administrate here at Oneonta State.  I asked him which other colleges were interested, and one was a campus of the Ohio State system.  That I didn't immediately scowl, spit, and/or vomit in my mouth felt like a victory of sorts.

On a personal note, it's been a trying couple of weeks.  I've had setbacks with my emotional health related to my surgery and some increased job responsibilities, my wife has had some professional setbacks that still look to be wholly unfair, and I'm so far behind in grading that it's approaching the level of cruelty to my students.  In my despair, I actually tried to cave and watch some basketball last weekend, only to find that, for whatever reason, our local CBS affiliate was off the air - so I'm still 99.44% sports pure (I may have looked at some games passing by a bar or two more slowly than usual).  I do miss the mindlessness that can come with enjoying a neutral game, it could have been comforting this week.

March Mad

OK, I'm just going to say it, I've been trying desperately to sneak peeks at the NCAA tournament.  We went out to eat - I kept fighting the urge to "use the bathroom" to walk through the bar at Cheesecake Factory.  This morning, I "accidentally" turned on CBS, but for some reason, Dish didn't have the CBS feed out of Binghamton active, there was just a message saying "We know it's not working, Don't Call Us" (nice customer service there, by the way)

I don't think I knew how much I liked looking at the brackets and dreaming of possibilities, of having games switch to the exciting finish (or switch away from the game I wanted).  I'm frustrated by it, and have been so close to just saying something that is probably anatomically impossible to do, and watch the games anyway.

But I've been good.  I haven't said anything bad about a Duke fan in at least a month, which is a record for me, and I haven't watched anything, not even when I was in San Francisco and I could have used it (see my previous blog).

I don't know if it's growth yet, but it's at least still abstinence.  Guess that's something.

What a week...

I am starting to realize one positive thing that sports brings to my life - an outlet for stress.  It seems ironic to me, because when my teams are involved in an important game, or they are about to lose a game they should have won, I am very stressed.  But sports are also therapeutic to me, and this time of year is the best example.

Right now, I am aware that the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament has started.  I hear rumours, but I don't really know who's in the field except for the top seeds, which NPR mentioned on Monday (guess Pitt held it together this year).  But the first week of the tourney was always a great time for me - I loved going to a sports bar on Thursday morning (skipping classes when I was a student) and just watching games.  I made friends, drank some beers, and ended up with a sore butt from 12+ hours of sitting at a bar, but my god it was nice to get away.   There was some peace in watching those games, rooting for upsets, and not truly caring too much about the outcome.  The stakes get higher in the later rounds, but the opening round was and is my favorite two days of the sports year.  They start tomorrow.

The other thing that happens this time of year is spring training in baseball.  I love baseball.  I love the strategy, I love being in a ballpark, I love the sounds and smells, I love passing time.  It is still our nation's favorite pastime, not our favorite sport, and I love it for being just that.  Going to the hall of fame reminds me of memories of being in the stands, dancing around between innings, enjoying a hot dog and a beer, and knowing that most of the time, one game doesn't make a season.  It's 3 hours away from life with your friends.  Yeah, I've been to some games where stupid fandom got in the way, but most of the time, it's zen - a place away from the world where you can ignore everything else going on.

I found myself missing these refuges this week.  It was a hard week, full of conflicts and putting out fires, late nights sending emails til 3 and 4 in the morning trying to understand and prevent flare ups, and the international tragedy of the Earthquake and Tsunami, which unfolded live during one of those late nights.  All of that took place in San Francisco, a different timezone, and while I'm still recovering from my surgery - which I can tell you took a physical toll.  The stress of last week has ripped up my stomach, my sleep patterns are all over the place, and I'm so exhausted.  I can't begin to describe how physically and emotionally exhausted I am.  It's not all about this past week - it's been happening for a few weeks now, but last week didn't help.  I almost fell asleep while teaching this morning, and I did fall asleep in my office between classes.  I came home and slept for 4 hours until dinner, which is the only reason I'm awake now (that and my stomach is full of acid again - stupid pain pills)

I miss my sports right now.  It is a physical absence in my life right now.

I am hoping that through this journey I can learn to extract the stress that comes from being a passionate fan of certain teams from the refuge that sports otherwise provides me.  I want to enjoy and not stress over games, and I need to learn that skill.  But I haven't yet.  And so March Madness comes, and I won't be watching.  I hope one of my teams doesn't win...

One Month without Sports

So, as promised, a reflection on the first month I can remember when I didn't follow any sports.

Overall, it's hard to describe how I feel about it.  I'm a little angry - I don't know how the Penguins or Nittany Lions are doing, if Pitt is holding up in the Big East, or even if the NFL has decided to have a season next year.  I know that in a few weeks time, March Madness will be starting, and I won't be streaming coverage for the first time in years.  I once dropped a college class to attend a tournament game, now, I won't be watching a single game.

I'm also sad, because I realize how unbalanced my life has become.  I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to punch in ESPN on the TV, only to stop a digit or two in to the effort and remember that the channel is blocked.  It was so much a part of everything - I graded while listening to sports, I wrote lectures while watching games, I would rest my brain by watching my favorite teams.

So life has changed.  But growth is slow.  I know if I started up again, I'd be back in my "enemy-hating" mode right away.  I still glower at Michigan and Ohio State flags and think mean thoughts about the people flying them.  I want that to change, but it's going to take time.  Still, there have been some small changes.  I am at least aware of how often I have disproportionate responses to other peoples' desire to wear their teams colors.  I bite my tongue much more often when I see someone with a Duke shirt or Yankees hat.  I am trying to remind myself that in the end, I have felt horrible being on the receiving end of that kind of vitriol, and I can be a better person than that.

I have found that it has been a very spiritual journey for me.  Perhaps it's because it's been coupled with my recovery from my spinal fusion surgery, but I don't think so.  You see, I think I've become so accustomed to using sports as my emotional security blanket that I have been out of touch with my own values.  Remembering those values, and realizing that my life is not in harmony with those values, is sobering.  I wonder how often athletes see that themselves.  I've wondered if that disconnect comes from having to treat the other competitors as enemies rather than merely competitors; treating games and matches as battles and wars; giving all of yourself to a single cause rather than living a life of balance.  I think it's what we've seen from players who have public embarassments or crimes - Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick.  I distinctly remember hearing Tiger talk about being out of balance.  If my one month journey is even a shadow of what he felt, then I would imagine his shame may have been at least about how he ever let himself get so out of touch with his values.  I wonder how many politicians who have made their careers about beating the other team are still in touch with their personal ethic.  How many businesspersons?  How many of any of us, when we contrive to make someone our enemy  in the name of motivating ourselves, lose touch with who we really are?   Us against the world is too much to endure alone.  "Us with the world" seems so much healthier, balanced, and less stressful.

So, as I enter month two, I know I have a long way to go.  I know I'm beginning to miss some of my favorite things as a sports fan.  I know I still feel hate well up at the sign of the "enemy".  But I know that there is something better out there for me.  A way of viewing sports as a fun diversion rather than a personal investment.  But more importantly, I know that I have learned from sports that creating a competition can be a great motivator for success, and I think I am coming to learn that it's unsustainable.   I'm curious about your thoughts and feelings about the idea.  Those are mine for now.

Thanks to all of you who have been following this.  Feel free to share it with others - I don't plan on putting ads up or anything, I just feel good being able to share, and give you space to share back.  I tried to change a few settings to allow postings without signing in, but you can always leave notes on facebook or twitter.

Donating magazines and Dancing with the Stars

So today, Allyson took along some of my SI and ESPN magazines to my doctor's office to donate to the lobby.  I haven't been reading them, but I haven't been able to get myself to stop receiving them.  It's like the last thread of the cord that I'm hanging on to at this point, even if it's only to hold it in my hand and look at the back cover (not the front).

And before I get to my one-month milestone this Sunday, I am faced with a conundrum.  I've learned that my favorite athlete, Hines Ward, is a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.  Now, you have to understand that I love this guy.  If I let myself go full-on fan, I could write a few paragraphs about how much I like him as a player, as a statesman, and as a person.  I live in fear of learning that he has a darkside, much as I did with Mark McGwire.  And of course, here's my addiction to being a fan.  I think Dancing with the Stars is stupid.  I kinda like dancing with Allyson, but I don't want to watch people dance on tv, and I certainly am not going to spend money to vote for my favorite...  but it's Hines Ward.  I now find myself wanting to watch and follow his progress.  Seriously, my man-crush on this guy is embarrassing.

It's yet another example of how afflicted I've become as a sports fan.  I will be reflecting on this past month sometime this weekend, but I am facing a real question - is this something I want to fix, or something I'm just curious about trying to live without, knowing that I'll be back into full sports mode in time for pitchers and catchers to report next spring.  I still come home and start to punch in the number for ESPN on the remote without even thinking.  I'll be commenting on that and more soon.

And then there's this...

The Republican (presumptive) candidate for the US Senate from Virginia, George Allen, has written the following book:  http://www.amazon.com/What-Washington-Learn-World-Sports/dp/1596985984  about what Washington can learn from the sports world.  Also known as, the exact opposite of what I said yesterday.  Nice timing, huh?  You can own your own copy for less than $4 on amazon.com  =)