Another month has gone by. It's hard to come up with blog topics about sports when you're not watching any. It's also hard to not flip on ESPN when I'm traveling and I crash in my room at night, but I've been good so far (ok, I have read through the sports pages of the free papers, but that's all).
But I am having a moment of inspiration in the midst of my insomnia, and have been thinking about what we do in the name of love. Yes, this is related to sports, or have you never claimed to love your sports team(s)? I know I have said that I "love the Steelers". I have worn shirts that say "Luv ya Lions!" when in college at PSU. And what I must feel for the Pirates is either a form of love or Stockholm syndrome... And yet, when we proclaim love for our teams, we almost immediately forfeit rational thought. There can be no room for another team in that sport, else we would be practicing sports bigamy. We defend our love against all threats, much as we would our partners of children. We live and die by their successes. We say outrageous things and make asinine claims - all because of the love we claim to have for our teams.
And for what? A team cannot love us back. We may feel joy at our teams' triumph - but they cannot do more than make a statement of thanks for our support. We may despair at their failures - but the teams go about their business regardless of our feelings. It's a one way relationship. A crush. The unrequited love that so many poets waxed on about in the 19th century. We martyr ourselves for something that cannot love us back in any tangible, fulfilling way. We're left with all of the pain of watching our loved teams fail exceeding the pleasure that comes from the relationship. And still we fight for that love, we hate their opponents, we invest our emotions and time and money, and we are cannot receive the full value of that investment except perhaps fleetingly during the moments of victory.
If this seems rather depressed, it's because that's how I feel on this sleepless night. I think I could have replaced the word "team" in that preceding passage with any number of things. I could have picked "political party". I could maybe have picked something job related, though I find my job is quite rewarding and not a good fit. What I really feel tonight is that I could insert the words "faith tradition". Let me explain.
I was watching a webcast of the Upper New York annual conference of the United Methodist Church. My wife's a pastor - I had a legitimate reason to do so. It was like watching C-SPAN, only without the rules of order. Today, they were debating a number of petitions regarding the church's stances on homosexuality. And I was struck at how many people stood up and said some version of "Because I love this church so much, I cannot support anything that would be good for gay people" It was rarely that blatant, though there were a few people who came close. But they all talked about how they would exclude a whole portion of the world from the church "in the name of love". Just as I have proclaimed a hatred of Baltimore or Cleveland for love of Pittsburgh, they proclaim exclusion of homosexuals for love of the status quo of tradition and the words of white, European men from over a thousand years ago at a council in Nicaea. [Spare me the "the Bible is the Word of God" shtick for now - they may have been words from God or Jesus, but they were heavily edited, redacted, and spun for the benefit of politics and power.] And there is little rational thought that I have discerned in these statements. It is my view that a church that wishes to grow and remain relevant in the world while actively excluding parts of society is hypocritical at best and deliberately hurtful at worst. And that says nothing about the church's harsh treatment of clergy who wish to include those people in communion and community. Because these people proclaim love for the old ways, they reject new paths for growth without discernable rational thought, and so goeth the Church.
I was stuck in Cleveland a few weeks back while trying to get home from an event in California. And I wouldn't stop making horrid statements about the town to Allyson. I made those statements because of my "love" of the Steelers. And when I finally opened my eyes to see that the people in that town were nicer than many of the people I had encountered in any other town I'd traveled to recently (such as Newark, NJ), I realized that I had been cheating myself. It was a moment of growth for me - I realized that I was depriving myself of a fulfilling experience for love of a sports team that couldn't offer the same fulfillment. I wonder if the deniers of equal rights in the United Methodist Church would experience similar growth if they let go of the things they do in the name of love?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Winning doesn't equal justice
It's been a month since my last post, and a crazy month at that. Travel, classes, and the myriad number of hats I wear all seem to conspire to make life challenging in April and May every year. But I still love what I do, even if it means 16 hour days (like the one I'm about to have).
I do have two sports related thoughts to share, however, so without further ado:
1) I slipped a little last week. On a three hour drive home from the airport, having dropped Allyson off on Easter Sunday to visit family for a week, I was tired and decided to bite the bullet and turn on my satellite radio to listen a little to my Pirates playing the Nationals. As usual, the Pirates lost, and in their usual boring fashion – so boring that the announcers were discussing their rally "bunny ears" and singing the bunny hop in the booth while flirting with an intern. I give them credit, they've had 18 years in which to hone their comedy routines during losing baseball seasons and yet they still suck at it. But, the thing that really struck me is that, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really pulling for one team over the other - I was just enjoying the game. Maybe 18 years of losing means I don't care about the Pirates as much any more, so I'm not about the claim victory over my sports addiction, but it was nice to turn off the game and not feel disgusted with them or myself.
2) Last night, as you are no doubt aware, President Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by US forces. While waiting for the press conference to start, the announcer people were talking about how the chants of U-S-A were going strong at Ground Zero and near the White House. It recalled for me the story that the chant of U-S-A originated at the 1980 Winter Olympics with the USA Hockey team. Then, we were channeling our hatred of the CCCP into our passion for sport, but now, it almost feels like we were channeling our love of sport into the death of this decidedly evil man. America loves winning - just ask Charlie Sheen - but it feels awkward to me to now be celebrating the death of Bin Laden. I don't feel like we've won anything - thousands of American men, women and soldiers have died in the pursuit, and all of that is vindicated by the killing of one man. I slept on it before I wrote this post, and I still don't feel as though we've been made whole. I'll leave you with this final thought:
From the Oxford English Dictionary:
winning |ˈwini ng |
adjective
1 [ attrib. ] gaining, resulting in, or relating to victory in a contest or competition : a winning streak.
justice |ˈjəstis|
noun
1 just behavior or treatment : a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.
• the quality of being fair and reasonable : the justice of his case.
• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this : a tragic miscarriage of justice.
PHRASES
bring someone to justice: arrest someone for a crime and ensure that they are tried in court.
vengeance |ˈvenjəns|
noun
punishment inflicted or retribution exacted for an injury or wrong.
The definition of justice doesn't feel like it applies to this situation, but winning and vengeance sure do.
Shalom,
Todd
I do have two sports related thoughts to share, however, so without further ado:
1) I slipped a little last week. On a three hour drive home from the airport, having dropped Allyson off on Easter Sunday to visit family for a week, I was tired and decided to bite the bullet and turn on my satellite radio to listen a little to my Pirates playing the Nationals. As usual, the Pirates lost, and in their usual boring fashion – so boring that the announcers were discussing their rally "bunny ears" and singing the bunny hop in the booth while flirting with an intern. I give them credit, they've had 18 years in which to hone their comedy routines during losing baseball seasons and yet they still suck at it. But, the thing that really struck me is that, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really pulling for one team over the other - I was just enjoying the game. Maybe 18 years of losing means I don't care about the Pirates as much any more, so I'm not about the claim victory over my sports addiction, but it was nice to turn off the game and not feel disgusted with them or myself.
2) Last night, as you are no doubt aware, President Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by US forces. While waiting for the press conference to start, the announcer people were talking about how the chants of U-S-A were going strong at Ground Zero and near the White House. It recalled for me the story that the chant of U-S-A originated at the 1980 Winter Olympics with the USA Hockey team. Then, we were channeling our hatred of the CCCP into our passion for sport, but now, it almost feels like we were channeling our love of sport into the death of this decidedly evil man. America loves winning - just ask Charlie Sheen - but it feels awkward to me to now be celebrating the death of Bin Laden. I don't feel like we've won anything - thousands of American men, women and soldiers have died in the pursuit, and all of that is vindicated by the killing of one man. I slept on it before I wrote this post, and I still don't feel as though we've been made whole. I'll leave you with this final thought:
From the Oxford English Dictionary:
winning |ˈwini ng |
adjective
1 [ attrib. ] gaining, resulting in, or relating to victory in a contest or competition : a winning streak.
justice |ˈjəstis|
noun
1 just behavior or treatment : a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.
• the quality of being fair and reasonable : the justice of his case.
• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this : a tragic miscarriage of justice.
PHRASES
bring someone to justice: arrest someone for a crime and ensure that they are tried in court.
vengeance |ˈvenjəns|
noun
punishment inflicted or retribution exacted for an injury or wrong.
The definition of justice doesn't feel like it applies to this situation, but winning and vengeance sure do.
Shalom,
Todd
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Opening Day (sniff)
I love lots of sports, but baseball has always had a special place in my heart. I can't put my finger on it - I'm sure some of it is the fact that games are during the summer, that there's strategy for every person on the field, that I made some of my best sports friends charting pitches for my high school baseball team, but mostly it's 3 hours away from stress. I always remind people that it's still America's favorite pastime, not necessarily the favorite sport.
So, now we face opening weekend, one of the most optimistic times in the sports year. Even my Pirates are still tied for first place on opening day, though it doesn't usually last long. I'm sad today, because I know they are playing, and I know I've given up watching or better yet, listening to games, which is still my favorite way to be a fan short of being there live. I also think I'm the best kind of sports fan with baseball. Yes, I do hate the Yankees (and to a lesser extent, the Red Sox), for legitimate reasons mind you, but most teams I can just appreciate, because most teams struggle to put a good product out there year to year, and unless you have a $200 million payroll, it's hard to guarantee a winning record every year. I can enjoy talented pitchers and hitters, I can marvel at the beauty of a no-hitter or the difficulty of maintaining a .300 batting average over a long year. I love that game, not just one team.
There is part of me who wonders if part of it is because the Pirates have been doormats for so long. But the Rockies have had some great runs, which included my first ever attendance at a playoff game in any professional sport, and it hasn't diminished my love of the game (in fact, I think it rekindled it some). Plus, I still love baseball mythology - the 57 game hitting streak, the Iron Man, the perfect hitter embodied by DiMaggio and Gwynn, the amazing variety of pitchers from Randy Johnson to Tim Wakefield. I look back at the past two months and realize that while football tends to bring out the worst in me as a fan, baseball brings out the best.
It will be a long summer without you, baseball. Even if the Pirates lose 100 again this year.
So, now we face opening weekend, one of the most optimistic times in the sports year. Even my Pirates are still tied for first place on opening day, though it doesn't usually last long. I'm sad today, because I know they are playing, and I know I've given up watching or better yet, listening to games, which is still my favorite way to be a fan short of being there live. I also think I'm the best kind of sports fan with baseball. Yes, I do hate the Yankees (and to a lesser extent, the Red Sox), for legitimate reasons mind you, but most teams I can just appreciate, because most teams struggle to put a good product out there year to year, and unless you have a $200 million payroll, it's hard to guarantee a winning record every year. I can enjoy talented pitchers and hitters, I can marvel at the beauty of a no-hitter or the difficulty of maintaining a .300 batting average over a long year. I love that game, not just one team.
There is part of me who wonders if part of it is because the Pirates have been doormats for so long. But the Rockies have had some great runs, which included my first ever attendance at a playoff game in any professional sport, and it hasn't diminished my love of the game (in fact, I think it rekindled it some). Plus, I still love baseball mythology - the 57 game hitting streak, the Iron Man, the perfect hitter embodied by DiMaggio and Gwynn, the amazing variety of pitchers from Randy Johnson to Tim Wakefield. I look back at the past two months and realize that while football tends to bring out the worst in me as a fan, baseball brings out the best.
It will be a long summer without you, baseball. Even if the Pirates lose 100 again this year.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying...
I heard this old cliché again the other day, and it just now hit me as a flash of insight. I was talking with one of my best friends tonight and he reminded me of the significant difference between little kids playing sports and when sports become more competitive. We were talking about how professionals often have to psych themselves up by comparing their upcoming games with epic battles, the other teams as enemies to be hated and hurt and punished, while younger kids are just trying to have fun (usually), learning fundamentals (hopefully), and being cheered (and not booed) by the fans/parents. When these things are cast as life and death struggles, it's no wonder that athletes are pushed toward eye-gouging in scrums, performance-enhancing drugs, and trying to circumvent the rules in general. Furthermore, does it not explain why in the week before a rivalry game even the fan bases become violent toward each other?
Still, I must be healing or changing in some way. I was discussing an opportunity to work with another college to develop some advanced high school geology programs similar to the one I administrate here at Oneonta State. I asked him which other colleges were interested, and one was a campus of the Ohio State system. That I didn't immediately scowl, spit, and/or vomit in my mouth felt like a victory of sorts.
On a personal note, it's been a trying couple of weeks. I've had setbacks with my emotional health related to my surgery and some increased job responsibilities, my wife has had some professional setbacks that still look to be wholly unfair, and I'm so far behind in grading that it's approaching the level of cruelty to my students. In my despair, I actually tried to cave and watch some basketball last weekend, only to find that, for whatever reason, our local CBS affiliate was off the air - so I'm still 99.44% sports pure (I may have looked at some games passing by a bar or two more slowly than usual). I do miss the mindlessness that can come with enjoying a neutral game, it could have been comforting this week.
Still, I must be healing or changing in some way. I was discussing an opportunity to work with another college to develop some advanced high school geology programs similar to the one I administrate here at Oneonta State. I asked him which other colleges were interested, and one was a campus of the Ohio State system. That I didn't immediately scowl, spit, and/or vomit in my mouth felt like a victory of sorts.
On a personal note, it's been a trying couple of weeks. I've had setbacks with my emotional health related to my surgery and some increased job responsibilities, my wife has had some professional setbacks that still look to be wholly unfair, and I'm so far behind in grading that it's approaching the level of cruelty to my students. In my despair, I actually tried to cave and watch some basketball last weekend, only to find that, for whatever reason, our local CBS affiliate was off the air - so I'm still 99.44% sports pure (I may have looked at some games passing by a bar or two more slowly than usual). I do miss the mindlessness that can come with enjoying a neutral game, it could have been comforting this week.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
March Mad
OK, I'm just going to say it, I've been trying desperately to sneak peeks at the NCAA tournament. We went out to eat - I kept fighting the urge to "use the bathroom" to walk through the bar at Cheesecake Factory. This morning, I "accidentally" turned on CBS, but for some reason, Dish didn't have the CBS feed out of Binghamton active, there was just a message saying "We know it's not working, Don't Call Us" (nice customer service there, by the way)
I don't think I knew how much I liked looking at the brackets and dreaming of possibilities, of having games switch to the exciting finish (or switch away from the game I wanted). I'm frustrated by it, and have been so close to just saying something that is probably anatomically impossible to do, and watch the games anyway.
But I've been good. I haven't said anything bad about a Duke fan in at least a month, which is a record for me, and I haven't watched anything, not even when I was in San Francisco and I could have used it (see my previous blog).
I don't know if it's growth yet, but it's at least still abstinence. Guess that's something.
I don't think I knew how much I liked looking at the brackets and dreaming of possibilities, of having games switch to the exciting finish (or switch away from the game I wanted). I'm frustrated by it, and have been so close to just saying something that is probably anatomically impossible to do, and watch the games anyway.
But I've been good. I haven't said anything bad about a Duke fan in at least a month, which is a record for me, and I haven't watched anything, not even when I was in San Francisco and I could have used it (see my previous blog).
I don't know if it's growth yet, but it's at least still abstinence. Guess that's something.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
What a week...
I am starting to realize one positive thing that sports brings to my life - an outlet for stress. It seems ironic to me, because when my teams are involved in an important game, or they are about to lose a game they should have won, I am very stressed. But sports are also therapeutic to me, and this time of year is the best example.
Right now, I am aware that the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament has started. I hear rumours, but I don't really know who's in the field except for the top seeds, which NPR mentioned on Monday (guess Pitt held it together this year). But the first week of the tourney was always a great time for me - I loved going to a sports bar on Thursday morning (skipping classes when I was a student) and just watching games. I made friends, drank some beers, and ended up with a sore butt from 12+ hours of sitting at a bar, but my god it was nice to get away. There was some peace in watching those games, rooting for upsets, and not truly caring too much about the outcome. The stakes get higher in the later rounds, but the opening round was and is my favorite two days of the sports year. They start tomorrow.
The other thing that happens this time of year is spring training in baseball. I love baseball. I love the strategy, I love being in a ballpark, I love the sounds and smells, I love passing time. It is still our nation's favorite pastime, not our favorite sport, and I love it for being just that. Going to the hall of fame reminds me of memories of being in the stands, dancing around between innings, enjoying a hot dog and a beer, and knowing that most of the time, one game doesn't make a season. It's 3 hours away from life with your friends. Yeah, I've been to some games where stupid fandom got in the way, but most of the time, it's zen - a place away from the world where you can ignore everything else going on.
I found myself missing these refuges this week. It was a hard week, full of conflicts and putting out fires, late nights sending emails til 3 and 4 in the morning trying to understand and prevent flare ups, and the international tragedy of the Earthquake and Tsunami, which unfolded live during one of those late nights. All of that took place in San Francisco, a different timezone, and while I'm still recovering from my surgery - which I can tell you took a physical toll. The stress of last week has ripped up my stomach, my sleep patterns are all over the place, and I'm so exhausted. I can't begin to describe how physically and emotionally exhausted I am. It's not all about this past week - it's been happening for a few weeks now, but last week didn't help. I almost fell asleep while teaching this morning, and I did fall asleep in my office between classes. I came home and slept for 4 hours until dinner, which is the only reason I'm awake now (that and my stomach is full of acid again - stupid pain pills)
I miss my sports right now. It is a physical absence in my life right now.
I am hoping that through this journey I can learn to extract the stress that comes from being a passionate fan of certain teams from the refuge that sports otherwise provides me. I want to enjoy and not stress over games, and I need to learn that skill. But I haven't yet. And so March Madness comes, and I won't be watching. I hope one of my teams doesn't win...
Right now, I am aware that the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament has started. I hear rumours, but I don't really know who's in the field except for the top seeds, which NPR mentioned on Monday (guess Pitt held it together this year). But the first week of the tourney was always a great time for me - I loved going to a sports bar on Thursday morning (skipping classes when I was a student) and just watching games. I made friends, drank some beers, and ended up with a sore butt from 12+ hours of sitting at a bar, but my god it was nice to get away. There was some peace in watching those games, rooting for upsets, and not truly caring too much about the outcome. The stakes get higher in the later rounds, but the opening round was and is my favorite two days of the sports year. They start tomorrow.
The other thing that happens this time of year is spring training in baseball. I love baseball. I love the strategy, I love being in a ballpark, I love the sounds and smells, I love passing time. It is still our nation's favorite pastime, not our favorite sport, and I love it for being just that. Going to the hall of fame reminds me of memories of being in the stands, dancing around between innings, enjoying a hot dog and a beer, and knowing that most of the time, one game doesn't make a season. It's 3 hours away from life with your friends. Yeah, I've been to some games where stupid fandom got in the way, but most of the time, it's zen - a place away from the world where you can ignore everything else going on.
I found myself missing these refuges this week. It was a hard week, full of conflicts and putting out fires, late nights sending emails til 3 and 4 in the morning trying to understand and prevent flare ups, and the international tragedy of the Earthquake and Tsunami, which unfolded live during one of those late nights. All of that took place in San Francisco, a different timezone, and while I'm still recovering from my surgery - which I can tell you took a physical toll. The stress of last week has ripped up my stomach, my sleep patterns are all over the place, and I'm so exhausted. I can't begin to describe how physically and emotionally exhausted I am. It's not all about this past week - it's been happening for a few weeks now, but last week didn't help. I almost fell asleep while teaching this morning, and I did fall asleep in my office between classes. I came home and slept for 4 hours until dinner, which is the only reason I'm awake now (that and my stomach is full of acid again - stupid pain pills)
I miss my sports right now. It is a physical absence in my life right now.
I am hoping that through this journey I can learn to extract the stress that comes from being a passionate fan of certain teams from the refuge that sports otherwise provides me. I want to enjoy and not stress over games, and I need to learn that skill. But I haven't yet. And so March Madness comes, and I won't be watching. I hope one of my teams doesn't win...
Sunday, March 6, 2011
One Month without Sports
So, as promised, a reflection on the first month I can remember when I didn't follow any sports.
Overall, it's hard to describe how I feel about it. I'm a little angry - I don't know how the Penguins or Nittany Lions are doing, if Pitt is holding up in the Big East, or even if the NFL has decided to have a season next year. I know that in a few weeks time, March Madness will be starting, and I won't be streaming coverage for the first time in years. I once dropped a college class to attend a tournament game, now, I won't be watching a single game.
I'm also sad, because I realize how unbalanced my life has become. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to punch in ESPN on the TV, only to stop a digit or two in to the effort and remember that the channel is blocked. It was so much a part of everything - I graded while listening to sports, I wrote lectures while watching games, I would rest my brain by watching my favorite teams.
So life has changed. But growth is slow. I know if I started up again, I'd be back in my "enemy-hating" mode right away. I still glower at Michigan and Ohio State flags and think mean thoughts about the people flying them. I want that to change, but it's going to take time. Still, there have been some small changes. I am at least aware of how often I have disproportionate responses to other peoples' desire to wear their teams colors. I bite my tongue much more often when I see someone with a Duke shirt or Yankees hat. I am trying to remind myself that in the end, I have felt horrible being on the receiving end of that kind of vitriol, and I can be a better person than that.
I have found that it has been a very spiritual journey for me. Perhaps it's because it's been coupled with my recovery from my spinal fusion surgery, but I don't think so. You see, I think I've become so accustomed to using sports as my emotional security blanket that I have been out of touch with my own values. Remembering those values, and realizing that my life is not in harmony with those values, is sobering. I wonder how often athletes see that themselves. I've wondered if that disconnect comes from having to treat the other competitors as enemies rather than merely competitors; treating games and matches as battles and wars; giving all of yourself to a single cause rather than living a life of balance. I think it's what we've seen from players who have public embarassments or crimes - Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick. I distinctly remember hearing Tiger talk about being out of balance. If my one month journey is even a shadow of what he felt, then I would imagine his shame may have been at least about how he ever let himself get so out of touch with his values. I wonder how many politicians who have made their careers about beating the other team are still in touch with their personal ethic. How many businesspersons? How many of any of us, when we contrive to make someone our enemy in the name of motivating ourselves, lose touch with who we really are? Us against the world is too much to endure alone. "Us with the world" seems so much healthier, balanced, and less stressful.
So, as I enter month two, I know I have a long way to go. I know I'm beginning to miss some of my favorite things as a sports fan. I know I still feel hate well up at the sign of the "enemy". But I know that there is something better out there for me. A way of viewing sports as a fun diversion rather than a personal investment. But more importantly, I know that I have learned from sports that creating a competition can be a great motivator for success, and I think I am coming to learn that it's unsustainable. I'm curious about your thoughts and feelings about the idea. Those are mine for now.
Thanks to all of you who have been following this. Feel free to share it with others - I don't plan on putting ads up or anything, I just feel good being able to share, and give you space to share back. I tried to change a few settings to allow postings without signing in, but you can always leave notes on facebook or twitter.
Overall, it's hard to describe how I feel about it. I'm a little angry - I don't know how the Penguins or Nittany Lions are doing, if Pitt is holding up in the Big East, or even if the NFL has decided to have a season next year. I know that in a few weeks time, March Madness will be starting, and I won't be streaming coverage for the first time in years. I once dropped a college class to attend a tournament game, now, I won't be watching a single game.
I'm also sad, because I realize how unbalanced my life has become. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to punch in ESPN on the TV, only to stop a digit or two in to the effort and remember that the channel is blocked. It was so much a part of everything - I graded while listening to sports, I wrote lectures while watching games, I would rest my brain by watching my favorite teams.
So life has changed. But growth is slow. I know if I started up again, I'd be back in my "enemy-hating" mode right away. I still glower at Michigan and Ohio State flags and think mean thoughts about the people flying them. I want that to change, but it's going to take time. Still, there have been some small changes. I am at least aware of how often I have disproportionate responses to other peoples' desire to wear their teams colors. I bite my tongue much more often when I see someone with a Duke shirt or Yankees hat. I am trying to remind myself that in the end, I have felt horrible being on the receiving end of that kind of vitriol, and I can be a better person than that.
I have found that it has been a very spiritual journey for me. Perhaps it's because it's been coupled with my recovery from my spinal fusion surgery, but I don't think so. You see, I think I've become so accustomed to using sports as my emotional security blanket that I have been out of touch with my own values. Remembering those values, and realizing that my life is not in harmony with those values, is sobering. I wonder how often athletes see that themselves. I've wondered if that disconnect comes from having to treat the other competitors as enemies rather than merely competitors; treating games and matches as battles and wars; giving all of yourself to a single cause rather than living a life of balance. I think it's what we've seen from players who have public embarassments or crimes - Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick. I distinctly remember hearing Tiger talk about being out of balance. If my one month journey is even a shadow of what he felt, then I would imagine his shame may have been at least about how he ever let himself get so out of touch with his values. I wonder how many politicians who have made their careers about beating the other team are still in touch with their personal ethic. How many businesspersons? How many of any of us, when we contrive to make someone our enemy in the name of motivating ourselves, lose touch with who we really are? Us against the world is too much to endure alone. "Us with the world" seems so much healthier, balanced, and less stressful.
So, as I enter month two, I know I have a long way to go. I know I'm beginning to miss some of my favorite things as a sports fan. I know I still feel hate well up at the sign of the "enemy". But I know that there is something better out there for me. A way of viewing sports as a fun diversion rather than a personal investment. But more importantly, I know that I have learned from sports that creating a competition can be a great motivator for success, and I think I am coming to learn that it's unsustainable. I'm curious about your thoughts and feelings about the idea. Those are mine for now.
Thanks to all of you who have been following this. Feel free to share it with others - I don't plan on putting ads up or anything, I just feel good being able to share, and give you space to share back. I tried to change a few settings to allow postings without signing in, but you can always leave notes on facebook or twitter.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Donating magazines and Dancing with the Stars
So today, Allyson took along some of my SI and ESPN magazines to my doctor's office to donate to the lobby. I haven't been reading them, but I haven't been able to get myself to stop receiving them. It's like the last thread of the cord that I'm hanging on to at this point, even if it's only to hold it in my hand and look at the back cover (not the front).
And before I get to my one-month milestone this Sunday, I am faced with a conundrum. I've learned that my favorite athlete, Hines Ward, is a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Now, you have to understand that I love this guy. If I let myself go full-on fan, I could write a few paragraphs about how much I like him as a player, as a statesman, and as a person. I live in fear of learning that he has a darkside, much as I did with Mark McGwire. And of course, here's my addiction to being a fan. I think Dancing with the Stars is stupid. I kinda like dancing with Allyson, but I don't want to watch people dance on tv, and I certainly am not going to spend money to vote for my favorite... but it's Hines Ward. I now find myself wanting to watch and follow his progress. Seriously, my man-crush on this guy is embarrassing.
It's yet another example of how afflicted I've become as a sports fan. I will be reflecting on this past month sometime this weekend, but I am facing a real question - is this something I want to fix, or something I'm just curious about trying to live without, knowing that I'll be back into full sports mode in time for pitchers and catchers to report next spring. I still come home and start to punch in the number for ESPN on the remote without even thinking. I'll be commenting on that and more soon.
And before I get to my one-month milestone this Sunday, I am faced with a conundrum. I've learned that my favorite athlete, Hines Ward, is a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Now, you have to understand that I love this guy. If I let myself go full-on fan, I could write a few paragraphs about how much I like him as a player, as a statesman, and as a person. I live in fear of learning that he has a darkside, much as I did with Mark McGwire. And of course, here's my addiction to being a fan. I think Dancing with the Stars is stupid. I kinda like dancing with Allyson, but I don't want to watch people dance on tv, and I certainly am not going to spend money to vote for my favorite... but it's Hines Ward. I now find myself wanting to watch and follow his progress. Seriously, my man-crush on this guy is embarrassing.
It's yet another example of how afflicted I've become as a sports fan. I will be reflecting on this past month sometime this weekend, but I am facing a real question - is this something I want to fix, or something I'm just curious about trying to live without, knowing that I'll be back into full sports mode in time for pitchers and catchers to report next spring. I still come home and start to punch in the number for ESPN on the remote without even thinking. I'll be commenting on that and more soon.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
And then there's this...
The Republican (presumptive) candidate for the US Senate from Virginia, George Allen, has written the following book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Washington-Learn-World-Sports/dp/1596985984 about what Washington can learn from the sports world. Also known as, the exact opposite of what I said yesterday. Nice timing, huh? You can own your own copy for less than $4 on amazon.com =)
Monday, February 28, 2011
The name on the front of the jersey isn't as important in the sport of politics
I've been hinting at this post for a while, and after another seemingly sleepless night, it's time to finally broach the topic I guess. I've had this hypothesis simmering in my mind for about a month now, regarding why politics in the US has seemingly been devolving of late. Basically, I believe that in the end sum, our current state of politics is about two teams ('parties') competing for the winning score on the day of the big game every November.
I'm not going to fully develop this theory tonight, but want to build it piece by piece. Tonight, I want to keep it simple. It's important that we realize that what we're seeing now in the US government is both old hat and a new "ball game". In the early days of the republic, it was not uncommon for fist fights, cane attacks, and the odd duel to break out over political disagreement. My recent visit to Monticello reminded me of what "civil discourse" was in the old days. But, today is different in a very fundamental way. Back then, the disagreements and incivility were often based solely on ideology - two (or more) opposing viewpoints on what was best for the country. Lies and deceit were certainly used, but in my optimistic heart, I believe that the intentions of all parties was to forge a solution that preserved and perfected our union.
I see no such noble intent anymore. I believe the discourse, if it could be called that, is about the scorecard. How much money did your party raise by the deadline? Which team has the most points (i.e. seats/votes) when the game (i.e. vote) is over. The strategies are about winning for your team, not about perfecting our union. It make great headlines anytime you can get 1 or 2 people to break with their team to actually try to explore compromises. During Madison's presidency, Dolley would hold regular dinner parties at the White House so such conversation could happen on a regular basis. The great legislation of US history has always involved compromise. Even our beloved constitution - the document our armed forces defend and our leaders swear to protect - was a series of compromises.
But now, because all that seems to matter is how much blue or red shows up on the screen on election day, compromise is verboten. Break from the party, especially if you're republican right now, and you're going to be riding the pine faster than that "don't tread on me snake" can bite you in the ass. It was the same in Pelosi's house - she had her team unified and no one stepped out of line unless the team's victory was secured. Our Congress, in my opinion, has stopped leading in lieu of winning the game. And too many of our citizens, I'm afraid, are satisfied with knowing their team won, and not about the actual policies enacted.
I leave you with this, my new favorite Jefferson quote du jour:
"If a Nation expects to be ignorant and free in a state of civilization,
it expects what never was and never will be....
If we are to guard against ignorance and remain free,
it is the responsibility of every American to be informed."
It's time for us to be informed, and stop treating our politics like a sport to be watched and cheered, in the hopes that our team drafts the right player in the 2012 presidential entry draft, and that the team functions as one - all the way to victory. I'd rather have leaders willing to ignore the name on the front of the jersey once in a while and remember the one on the back matters too.
I'm not going to fully develop this theory tonight, but want to build it piece by piece. Tonight, I want to keep it simple. It's important that we realize that what we're seeing now in the US government is both old hat and a new "ball game". In the early days of the republic, it was not uncommon for fist fights, cane attacks, and the odd duel to break out over political disagreement. My recent visit to Monticello reminded me of what "civil discourse" was in the old days. But, today is different in a very fundamental way. Back then, the disagreements and incivility were often based solely on ideology - two (or more) opposing viewpoints on what was best for the country. Lies and deceit were certainly used, but in my optimistic heart, I believe that the intentions of all parties was to forge a solution that preserved and perfected our union.
I see no such noble intent anymore. I believe the discourse, if it could be called that, is about the scorecard. How much money did your party raise by the deadline? Which team has the most points (i.e. seats/votes) when the game (i.e. vote) is over. The strategies are about winning for your team, not about perfecting our union. It make great headlines anytime you can get 1 or 2 people to break with their team to actually try to explore compromises. During Madison's presidency, Dolley would hold regular dinner parties at the White House so such conversation could happen on a regular basis. The great legislation of US history has always involved compromise. Even our beloved constitution - the document our armed forces defend and our leaders swear to protect - was a series of compromises.
But now, because all that seems to matter is how much blue or red shows up on the screen on election day, compromise is verboten. Break from the party, especially if you're republican right now, and you're going to be riding the pine faster than that "don't tread on me snake" can bite you in the ass. It was the same in Pelosi's house - she had her team unified and no one stepped out of line unless the team's victory was secured. Our Congress, in my opinion, has stopped leading in lieu of winning the game. And too many of our citizens, I'm afraid, are satisfied with knowing their team won, and not about the actual policies enacted.
I leave you with this, my new favorite Jefferson quote du jour:
"If a Nation expects to be ignorant and free in a state of civilization,
it expects what never was and never will be....
If we are to guard against ignorance and remain free,
it is the responsibility of every American to be informed."
It's time for us to be informed, and stop treating our politics like a sport to be watched and cheered, in the hopes that our team drafts the right player in the 2012 presidential entry draft, and that the team functions as one - all the way to victory. I'd rather have leaders willing to ignore the name on the front of the jersey once in a while and remember the one on the back matters too.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Separation Between Competition and Sports
I just got finished with a week that was, somewhat productive, but really the calm before the storm. I spent several wonderful days in the the Virginia Piedmont with some friends/colleagues from work and their partners. It was a great time. My closest friends here in Oneonta are big fans of playing, and I tend to feed off of their energy (read: it gets loud and the dirty jokes and innuendo start flying). And I noticed that, there really is a difference between my enjoyment of competition and my currently unhealthy fandom with sports. When I'm playing the games, I do want to win, and I do let the emotions show, but I am actually playing and there's something to wanting to see that investment in time and effort be rewarded with victory. Granted, I do sometimes need to rein in my "need" to win, but it's far better than it was growing up.
With sports, there is this sad added dimension for me. I hate the other team. Which turns into hating the other school, demonizing the other players, growling at the Michigan bumper stickers on cars on the highway, loathing the guy in the Green Bay Packers sweatshirt while visiting Monticello (Allyson caught me clenching my fists). It transcends the competition itself and really makes me feel unbalanced. Especially, say, when I know someone whom I like, and then learn that they are a fan of "the other team". Why does my perception of them change? How can I justify their being my friend and then their not being my friend because their car is blue, and I prefer green.
Sometimes the choices people make matter in the calculus of long-term relationships. Values matter. Groups you support matter. Your actions matter. The deity you worship, if there is one, matters. In the send the sum total of these terms of the equation ought to add up to a positive correlation if you expect the relationship to last. The team you support, the brand of coffee you prefer, or my favorite, if you insist that anything but Heinz Ketchup is ok - these ought to be at best orders of magnitude smaller than the rest. They are for my wife and I, which is why we're together. I know I'm capable of properly valuing sports and sports rivalry properly against the truly important things in life. The fact that it has been such a struggle, is why I still have plenty to write and think and yes, even pray about.
The alarm will go off in 4 hours, so I can hopefully finish some grading before classes start. I guess it's time for sleep.
With sports, there is this sad added dimension for me. I hate the other team. Which turns into hating the other school, demonizing the other players, growling at the Michigan bumper stickers on cars on the highway, loathing the guy in the Green Bay Packers sweatshirt while visiting Monticello (Allyson caught me clenching my fists). It transcends the competition itself and really makes me feel unbalanced. Especially, say, when I know someone whom I like, and then learn that they are a fan of "the other team". Why does my perception of them change? How can I justify their being my friend and then their not being my friend because their car is blue, and I prefer green.
Sometimes the choices people make matter in the calculus of long-term relationships. Values matter. Groups you support matter. Your actions matter. The deity you worship, if there is one, matters. In the send the sum total of these terms of the equation ought to add up to a positive correlation if you expect the relationship to last. The team you support, the brand of coffee you prefer, or my favorite, if you insist that anything but Heinz Ketchup is ok - these ought to be at best orders of magnitude smaller than the rest. They are for my wife and I, which is why we're together. I know I'm capable of properly valuing sports and sports rivalry properly against the truly important things in life. The fact that it has been such a struggle, is why I still have plenty to write and think and yes, even pray about.
The alarm will go off in 4 hours, so I can hopefully finish some grading before classes start. I guess it's time for sleep.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Quick Note
I'm going to have limited internet access the next few days - so there's going to be a lull in the posting for a while. That said, it's both a good and bad thing for me. I've been personally ITCHING to go to espn.com to read up on sports and baseball and where things stand with football, and to see if PSU has a chance to make the NCAA tournament... Bad news - there will be cable where I'll be, and I doubt everyone else will want to immediately block ESPN just because of me.
I am being sorely tested right now. The urge to watch sports is so bad that I've found myself forcing myself to turn on C-SPAN just to take my mind off of wanting to watch sports. (Why C-SPAN? because I do find it interesting to watch government work (sort of), there's no commentary, it's just unedited truth, and mostly, it's still competitive. I swear it's still sports in a way, and I'd like my team to win)
I am being sorely tested right now. The urge to watch sports is so bad that I've found myself forcing myself to turn on C-SPAN just to take my mind off of wanting to watch sports. (Why C-SPAN? because I do find it interesting to watch government work (sort of), there's no commentary, it's just unedited truth, and mostly, it's still competitive. I swear it's still sports in a way, and I'd like my team to win)
Friday, February 18, 2011
A League of Their Own
So I had DVR'ed this movie the week before the ban began, and today, while waiting for the plumbers to install a new hot water heater after a major failure today, I decided to watch it. Not really thinking about being sports-celibate, not truly caring... And yes, I've seen it before, but not for years.
Allyson came home right after the great scene that the movie is famous for. (sidenote: best line in that exchange to me is "Use your head, it's that lump three feet above your ass!", which of course causes the crying) But as the movie went on, and they ended up in the world series, I started getting into it. I started explaining to Allyson about why missing the cutoff man is such a no-no, and how modern ball players screw that up all the time too, then I started talking pitching strategy. "If the batter knows you know her tendencies, then the catcher has to change it up. You can't throw three straight high heaters, thinking she's gonna keep swinging and missing, you have to throw the third one in the dirt damnit, just to keep her honest. Some great catcher she is!", referring to the main character Geena Davis plays who is the catcher making the pitch calls against her kid sister the batter. Next thing you know, kid sister smacks an inside the park home run (I knew this already) and wins the world series. And how did I feel? Pissed. Angry. Kinda yelling a little bit at the absurdity of that pitch call. Yes, I'm a Rockford Peaches fan too, I guess. I was definitely into it, and it was a fake game to which I knew the outcome well in advance.
Of course, Geena's character is my total opposite. Great ball player (except in that instance), but totally willing to walk away and not give another thought to the game. She could let it go, or compartmentalize it, or something. Not me. I'm still annoyed by it 4 hours later, and willing to admit that clearly, I have violated the spirit of my celibacy period (only took 12 days). Still, I was so thrilled to see Cooperstown, Doubleday Field, and the outside of the HOF in the movie, if for no other reason than they're home to me now. I love going over there and dreaming about my favorite game (in spite of the futility of my hometown team). There is an exhibit on the AAGPBL there which is well done (and nothing like the one in the movie).
Guess I'll hop back on the wagon in the morning. And for the record, I would have told the pitcher to throw one behind the kid sister's head, just to mess with her - Bull Durham style.
Allyson came home right after the great scene that the movie is famous for. (sidenote: best line in that exchange to me is "Use your head, it's that lump three feet above your ass!", which of course causes the crying) But as the movie went on, and they ended up in the world series, I started getting into it. I started explaining to Allyson about why missing the cutoff man is such a no-no, and how modern ball players screw that up all the time too, then I started talking pitching strategy. "If the batter knows you know her tendencies, then the catcher has to change it up. You can't throw three straight high heaters, thinking she's gonna keep swinging and missing, you have to throw the third one in the dirt damnit, just to keep her honest. Some great catcher she is!", referring to the main character Geena Davis plays who is the catcher making the pitch calls against her kid sister the batter. Next thing you know, kid sister smacks an inside the park home run (I knew this already) and wins the world series. And how did I feel? Pissed. Angry. Kinda yelling a little bit at the absurdity of that pitch call. Yes, I'm a Rockford Peaches fan too, I guess. I was definitely into it, and it was a fake game to which I knew the outcome well in advance.
Of course, Geena's character is my total opposite. Great ball player (except in that instance), but totally willing to walk away and not give another thought to the game. She could let it go, or compartmentalize it, or something. Not me. I'm still annoyed by it 4 hours later, and willing to admit that clearly, I have violated the spirit of my celibacy period (only took 12 days). Still, I was so thrilled to see Cooperstown, Doubleday Field, and the outside of the HOF in the movie, if for no other reason than they're home to me now. I love going over there and dreaming about my favorite game (in spite of the futility of my hometown team). There is an exhibit on the AAGPBL there which is well done (and nothing like the one in the movie).
Guess I'll hop back on the wagon in the morning. And for the record, I would have told the pitcher to throw one behind the kid sister's head, just to mess with her - Bull Durham style.
a relevant link...
Who knew I had something in common with Bieber Fever! http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2011/02/for-the-love-of-bieber.html (Thanks Leslie)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hats
On a lighter note, I discovered yesterday that Allyson had hidden all of my sports related hats. I love my hats. They cover my bald spot. They show my pride, they are my indelible marks of my allegiance. I collect them from minor league teams I've visited and from championships won. I had like 20 of these things. Yesterday, I had a choice of two hats. TWO! A "Longs Peak" hat I bought one day when I had forgotten a hat before a trip to the mountains and a Saving Earth hat I bought at the Cal Academy of Sciences.
You have no idea the despair I felt. For the first time, I felt like something had been ripped out of me over this whole sports-celibacy fiasco. I miss my hats. My Potomac Cannons hat. The Minnesota Wild hat I bought to piss off Avs fans when they lost to the Wild as an 8 seed a few years ago. My Penguins hats, GAAAAH! Why this of all things is pushing me over the edge, I don't know. But this one hurts the sports fan in me.
I get this sinking feeling she probably stole my Steelers tie too...
You have no idea the despair I felt. For the first time, I felt like something had been ripped out of me over this whole sports-celibacy fiasco. I miss my hats. My Potomac Cannons hat. The Minnesota Wild hat I bought to piss off Avs fans when they lost to the Wild as an 8 seed a few years ago. My Penguins hats, GAAAAH! Why this of all things is pushing me over the edge, I don't know. But this one hurts the sports fan in me.
I get this sinking feeling she probably stole my Steelers tie too...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A long film session following a loss...
Here I am, 1 am and wide awake. I hit a wall yesterday in my recovery - falling asleep around 5 or so on Tuesday night and only managing to stay awake for the hour or so it took for me to cancel classes on Wednesday knowing that I had no stamina for it. But this early Thursday morning, my brain is in overdrive. So I'm here blogging now, because at 1 am, I just can't sit in bed any longer and think about all that random crap that enters my head.
Instead, allow me to bring up something that I think is related to the topic of this blog - in part to get my mind off of this insomnia and in part because I've been struggling with the topic since my last post anyway. I've been trying to decide what I'm really addicted to - sports or competition itself. When I told my parents about this blog last weekend, they immediately assumed that I was talking about competition in general, not just my sports teams. My dad told me stories about how when I was less than 2 years old, I hated losing so much that I would study games so that I wouldn't lose again. Less than 2, and I hated losing so much started working on strategy. I remember in 1st grade storming out of my gifted classes when I lost to the older kids. I remember a phase around 4th grade when I studied chess so I wouldn't lose, even though I really hate chess. I have gotten better at losing (I think), but the sting of it still sits with me for a long time after. I can't stop myself from dissecting every move I made to find the moment when my odds of winning took the biggest hit. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you that I take losing and criticism hard.
I share this with you because I think it's part of the roots of some of my sports issues. While I am satisfied with winning, I hate losing. The thrill of victory is less than the agony of defeat. Success is expected. Losing is intolerable, even when I can gracefully hide it. And sometimes surprises me because I'll get those emotions when I don't even realize I'm competing. It plays out as sports fandom with the teams I root for (see: Super Bowl XLV, et al.). It plays out in my professional life as ambition, a quality that is tolerated or even desired (in moderation), but often drives me to try too much. It definitely shows in family dynamics, otherwise what else would family sit-coms discuss? It can show up in a partnership or marriage - something I try to be very mindful to avoid, because competition here destroys the harmony of a partnership. But it played out in a unique place tonight: in the topic of starting a family.
(Disclaimers: At this point, I need to say a few things. I know that there's a lot that goes into the decision to start a family, and that honestly, I'm not sure if there has been a point in my 5+ years of marriage that I could point to and identify a missed moment. I also assure you that I would not bring a child into the world just to even up a scorecard that only I can know about. And I'm not going to discuss anything about the many conversations my wife and I have had on the subject - these are my thoughts and emotions only. Her feelings on the subject are not at all a part of what I am discussing here. This is a sliver of that particular pie, and the only one remotely germane to this blog on my reflections on sports)
In response to the holiday letter we sent out at Valentines Day, we heard from a few old friends (some of whom I will admit that I either dated briefly or wanted to date once upon a time) that they were expecting or had just given birth. I added up the total of all the friends I know through these responses, and facebook connections, and other communications and I realized that I felt like everyone was pregnant or a parent already but me. I felt angry. I have been telling my friends that I am happy for them (which I truly am), while hiding the disgust that I am woefully behind on the baby-making scorecard.
I feel like I've experienced enough of life to be a good father and yet, I'm not. I want to tell you that it bothers me only because I'm ready to be a dad. But I can't. I can't tell you that, because it is also about knowing that so many of my friends from high school and college (and now grad school) are starting or have in some cases finished their child rearing. I can't tell you that, because of my immediate family I'm the oldest to start a family by almost 10 years and counting. I want to tell you that those are not factors, but they are. It makes me feel very foolish and immature admitting that, because those are all about competing with myself and some internal standard that I have no rational reason to hold.
I've let competition enter into something where it doesn't belong. I know I'm not unique in this (see your local supermarket checkout line tabloids for many egregious examples). But, I need to somehow make peace with not meeting the standards I set, despite the fact that the lesson I feel sports often teach (and that I guess the lesson I was born with) is that there is no value in falling short. Intellectually, I know that there is value to be found in failure to meet expectations, but emotionally, I am not often willing to even look for any of that value. Certainly not when it comes to sports competition on the field, but also not in life's competitions - large or small.
I'm beginning to think that this blog is another post-loss film session in my head - causing me to lose sleep trying to figure out when I let my hatred of losing change my approach to life, and deciding if, or rather by how much, it transcends what a team I like did in a game.
Instead, allow me to bring up something that I think is related to the topic of this blog - in part to get my mind off of this insomnia and in part because I've been struggling with the topic since my last post anyway. I've been trying to decide what I'm really addicted to - sports or competition itself. When I told my parents about this blog last weekend, they immediately assumed that I was talking about competition in general, not just my sports teams. My dad told me stories about how when I was less than 2 years old, I hated losing so much that I would study games so that I wouldn't lose again. Less than 2, and I hated losing so much started working on strategy. I remember in 1st grade storming out of my gifted classes when I lost to the older kids. I remember a phase around 4th grade when I studied chess so I wouldn't lose, even though I really hate chess. I have gotten better at losing (I think), but the sting of it still sits with me for a long time after. I can't stop myself from dissecting every move I made to find the moment when my odds of winning took the biggest hit. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you that I take losing and criticism hard.
I share this with you because I think it's part of the roots of some of my sports issues. While I am satisfied with winning, I hate losing. The thrill of victory is less than the agony of defeat. Success is expected. Losing is intolerable, even when I can gracefully hide it. And sometimes surprises me because I'll get those emotions when I don't even realize I'm competing. It plays out as sports fandom with the teams I root for (see: Super Bowl XLV, et al.). It plays out in my professional life as ambition, a quality that is tolerated or even desired (in moderation), but often drives me to try too much. It definitely shows in family dynamics, otherwise what else would family sit-coms discuss? It can show up in a partnership or marriage - something I try to be very mindful to avoid, because competition here destroys the harmony of a partnership. But it played out in a unique place tonight: in the topic of starting a family.
(Disclaimers: At this point, I need to say a few things. I know that there's a lot that goes into the decision to start a family, and that honestly, I'm not sure if there has been a point in my 5+ years of marriage that I could point to and identify a missed moment. I also assure you that I would not bring a child into the world just to even up a scorecard that only I can know about. And I'm not going to discuss anything about the many conversations my wife and I have had on the subject - these are my thoughts and emotions only. Her feelings on the subject are not at all a part of what I am discussing here. This is a sliver of that particular pie, and the only one remotely germane to this blog on my reflections on sports)
In response to the holiday letter we sent out at Valentines Day, we heard from a few old friends (some of whom I will admit that I either dated briefly or wanted to date once upon a time) that they were expecting or had just given birth. I added up the total of all the friends I know through these responses, and facebook connections, and other communications and I realized that I felt like everyone was pregnant or a parent already but me. I felt angry. I have been telling my friends that I am happy for them (which I truly am), while hiding the disgust that I am woefully behind on the baby-making scorecard.
I feel like I've experienced enough of life to be a good father and yet, I'm not. I want to tell you that it bothers me only because I'm ready to be a dad. But I can't. I can't tell you that, because it is also about knowing that so many of my friends from high school and college (and now grad school) are starting or have in some cases finished their child rearing. I can't tell you that, because of my immediate family I'm the oldest to start a family by almost 10 years and counting. I want to tell you that those are not factors, but they are. It makes me feel very foolish and immature admitting that, because those are all about competing with myself and some internal standard that I have no rational reason to hold.
I've let competition enter into something where it doesn't belong. I know I'm not unique in this (see your local supermarket checkout line tabloids for many egregious examples). But, I need to somehow make peace with not meeting the standards I set, despite the fact that the lesson I feel sports often teach (and that I guess the lesson I was born with) is that there is no value in falling short. Intellectually, I know that there is value to be found in failure to meet expectations, but emotionally, I am not often willing to even look for any of that value. Certainly not when it comes to sports competition on the field, but also not in life's competitions - large or small.
I'm beginning to think that this blog is another post-loss film session in my head - causing me to lose sleep trying to figure out when I let my hatred of losing change my approach to life, and deciding if, or rather by how much, it transcends what a team I like did in a game.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My first weekend without sports
Granted, the weekend after the superbowl is often sports free for many people, but for me, still largely home bound by my recent surgery (unless Allyson wants to go out), I did feel its absence. So I prepared lectures, watched my new BluRay of Apollo 13, and rediscovered the reason I bought it... the $15 NFL Shop coupon I was saving to buy Steelers gear this week. Not that I still won't, but conference championship shirts tend to get worn less proudly. Perhaps they shouldn't be worn less proudly. Seriously - all week 1 has done is raised questions and provided few answers if any at all.
Still ruminating on the merging of sports and politics. It's hard sometimes to tell which idiocies are due to the incivility of politics that exists today, and which are genuinely about wanting one team to win over another. There's some of both going on.
Blessings to all of you on a good, productive, and healthy week. And please, feel free to respond with questions of your own - I'm up for debate and/or discussion!
Still ruminating on the merging of sports and politics. It's hard sometimes to tell which idiocies are due to the incivility of politics that exists today, and which are genuinely about wanting one team to win over another. There's some of both going on.
Blessings to all of you on a good, productive, and healthy week. And please, feel free to respond with questions of your own - I'm up for debate and/or discussion!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Absence makes the heart feel... absence
I've never really agreed with this cliché when it comes to love. Absence may make you remember more of the good than the bad about the object of your affection, but it's also a tugging at your soul, reminding you that someone or something you care about it missing, and there's nothing you can do about it.
So far, I keep reaching for the latest sports news, only to find that it's blocked. I remember it's by choice, but it's a void. I care about my teams, and wondering about how the Penguins are holding up, whether Sid is playing again, whether Hines Ward is going to retire... it tugs at my soul a little.
But the reminders are so tangibly close. I have not canceled my SI or ESPN the Mag subscriptions - I figure I'll donate them to the doctor's office or the library for the year. But I know they are downstairs, and the Packers are on the cover. I turned on NPR tonight and caught a replay of Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me (my favorite NPR show), and all the guests were sports stars. Really? My first week on the wagon, and Buster Olney, who is one of my favorite baseball writers, is doing an extended interview and playing Not My Job? There's a cosmic message there. I'd like to think it's not the universe giving me the finger, but well, there's a lack of evidence to the contrary.
My final thought of the night is this: I'm excited for the people of Egypt. It's been said by many how this is a victory for democracy, a victory for people, a victory for the power of the many over the one.
I am worried that this is being seen in the US by the common citizen as just another victory for the Bald Eagles. Sports fans love the underdog, and this was a textbook Cinderella game plan: NC State 1985. USA Hockey 1980. Rocky III. Outlast the stronger, more powerful opponent. Pull off the miracle. Executed to near perfection.
Please don't misunderstand me - this is momentous change in the middle east and I am so pleased that vox populi showed that power of many. But how many Americans understand what really happened? Does the average American understand that it's the next 6 months, shaping a fledgling democracy in a part of the world where it's not part of their cultural history, that matter more than the last 19 days? Or are we just happy for another underdog victory for democracy against the stronger bad guy. Too often, I fear, we have "sports-itized" politics, making them more about making sure your team wins and less about actual drafting of policies and laws. I have been ruminating on this for a few weeks. I think it may be a theme of this coming year of my life.
So far, I keep reaching for the latest sports news, only to find that it's blocked. I remember it's by choice, but it's a void. I care about my teams, and wondering about how the Penguins are holding up, whether Sid is playing again, whether Hines Ward is going to retire... it tugs at my soul a little.
But the reminders are so tangibly close. I have not canceled my SI or ESPN the Mag subscriptions - I figure I'll donate them to the doctor's office or the library for the year. But I know they are downstairs, and the Packers are on the cover. I turned on NPR tonight and caught a replay of Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me (my favorite NPR show), and all the guests were sports stars. Really? My first week on the wagon, and Buster Olney, who is one of my favorite baseball writers, is doing an extended interview and playing Not My Job? There's a cosmic message there. I'd like to think it's not the universe giving me the finger, but well, there's a lack of evidence to the contrary.
My final thought of the night is this: I'm excited for the people of Egypt. It's been said by many how this is a victory for democracy, a victory for people, a victory for the power of the many over the one.
I am worried that this is being seen in the US by the common citizen as just another victory for the Bald Eagles. Sports fans love the underdog, and this was a textbook Cinderella game plan: NC State 1985. USA Hockey 1980. Rocky III. Outlast the stronger, more powerful opponent. Pull off the miracle. Executed to near perfection.
Please don't misunderstand me - this is momentous change in the middle east and I am so pleased that vox populi showed that power of many. But how many Americans understand what really happened? Does the average American understand that it's the next 6 months, shaping a fledgling democracy in a part of the world where it's not part of their cultural history, that matter more than the last 19 days? Or are we just happy for another underdog victory for democracy against the stronger bad guy. Too often, I fear, we have "sports-itized" politics, making them more about making sure your team wins and less about actual drafting of policies and laws. I have been ruminating on this for a few weeks. I think it may be a theme of this coming year of my life.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Coffeehouse Perspective
I'm sitting in an excellent café in Latham, outside of Albany (it's called Professor Java's Coffee Sanctuary... it seemed an appropriate choice for me on so many levels).
In the corner. Contemplating work. Enjoying the house dark blend. And eavesdropping like crazy. I have yet to hear a conversation in the hour I've been here that hasn't referenced sports. Totally not surprised - by now it has to have replaced weather as #1 small talk/convo-starter.
One conversation struck me in particular. A woman, discussing how she actually bet on the super bowl as someone who had never bet on anything before. She went on to say that she lost almost all of her bets, and then said, quite emphatically "And I bet on the team with the rapist quarterback! Me, after working my whole life for women's rights!"
Perspective can be a fickle friend. I felt bad for her having unknowingly compromised her principles. This new information changed her perspective and made her feel like a fool. Who amongst us hasn't had that happen? Who amongst enjoyed the experience?
I saw a reflection of me in this moment. Of my rationalization of the same quarterback's behavior. "He was never officially charged." "People say things all the time about famous people - it's probably not true." "He's being unfairly targeted." I, and many people like me who wanted the Steelers to win, have said these things. Often.
Perspective can be a fickle friend. Do I honestly believe he's totally innocent? Not when he needed bodyguards to block the door to the restroom where the "consensual act" occurred. Not when it hadn't been the first such accusation. But my NEED to have the Steelers win was all the permission I needed to go all Machiavelli and excuse it away. What's worse, I still haven't forgiven Michael Vick for his dogfighting. I still believe Ray Lewis actually helped murder someone several years ago, even though he pled guilty to a lesser charge and served his sentence. I gave a second chance to a man who helps my team, and I haven't forgiven the transgressions of my "enemies"
Forget sports for a second. I feel like this is about judgment and grace. I realize that I have allowed my sporting affiliation to permit me to pass judgment on who is worthy of grace and who is not. In any other context, I would tell you that grace is a miracle in that all people are worthy of receiving it. In this context, I have been the judge and jury, and your team's colors determined your worthiness. For this, I am ashamed and humbled. For this, I would beg for forgiveness. I believe I will receive this grace from the Deity I worship. Sadly, I do not believe that I'd get it from someone wearing the other team's colors.
Lesson learned: Grace is not reserved for the worthy or unworthy - it's given freely to all - just not by me as often as I'd like
In the corner. Contemplating work. Enjoying the house dark blend. And eavesdropping like crazy. I have yet to hear a conversation in the hour I've been here that hasn't referenced sports. Totally not surprised - by now it has to have replaced weather as #1 small talk/convo-starter.
One conversation struck me in particular. A woman, discussing how she actually bet on the super bowl as someone who had never bet on anything before. She went on to say that she lost almost all of her bets, and then said, quite emphatically "And I bet on the team with the rapist quarterback! Me, after working my whole life for women's rights!"
Perspective can be a fickle friend. I felt bad for her having unknowingly compromised her principles. This new information changed her perspective and made her feel like a fool. Who amongst us hasn't had that happen? Who amongst enjoyed the experience?
I saw a reflection of me in this moment. Of my rationalization of the same quarterback's behavior. "He was never officially charged." "People say things all the time about famous people - it's probably not true." "He's being unfairly targeted." I, and many people like me who wanted the Steelers to win, have said these things. Often.
Perspective can be a fickle friend. Do I honestly believe he's totally innocent? Not when he needed bodyguards to block the door to the restroom where the "consensual act" occurred. Not when it hadn't been the first such accusation. But my NEED to have the Steelers win was all the permission I needed to go all Machiavelli and excuse it away. What's worse, I still haven't forgiven Michael Vick for his dogfighting. I still believe Ray Lewis actually helped murder someone several years ago, even though he pled guilty to a lesser charge and served his sentence. I gave a second chance to a man who helps my team, and I haven't forgiven the transgressions of my "enemies"
Forget sports for a second. I feel like this is about judgment and grace. I realize that I have allowed my sporting affiliation to permit me to pass judgment on who is worthy of grace and who is not. In any other context, I would tell you that grace is a miracle in that all people are worthy of receiving it. In this context, I have been the judge and jury, and your team's colors determined your worthiness. For this, I am ashamed and humbled. For this, I would beg for forgiveness. I believe I will receive this grace from the Deity I worship. Sadly, I do not believe that I'd get it from someone wearing the other team's colors.
Lesson learned: Grace is not reserved for the worthy or unworthy - it's given freely to all - just not by me as often as I'd like
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I feel the hate growing within you...
I think I might need an exorcism for this to work... Let me explain.
Over the past two days, I've been fairly successful at my purging. No sports channels even appear on the guide on my TV anymore, I've blocked ESPN and SI on my computer, and unsubscribed from most emails (not Pirates emails yet - do they still qualify as sports?) It was not cathartic, it was not momentous, but it did feel final today when I came home from work, punched in the usual 9424 on the remote that leads to ESPN (usually the program Pardon the Interruption where two excellent sports writers debate lead stories of the day), and instead was directed to channel 9423 - which was featuring upcoming HD movies. That was a moment that caused me to think about how rote sports has been in my life - a daily ritual that was part of breakfast, coming home from work, and tucking myself in before bed. It's not that I haven't found other outlets - I am a busy professional after all - it's that it has been jarring just how often I turned to sports to numb my mind. Sports as brain anesthesia - nice for relaxing maybe, but not perhaps good for the grey matter otherwise. But that's not all.
Tonight, there was a promo for some Fox animation show (i forget which one), but LeBron James is guest voicing a part. And I saw him, and I shouted "You SUCK". Why? No idea. I don't even watch the NBA, but somehow after being told by so many talking heads that he's a villain, I owned it. I felt ashamed for that, but I also want to explore it some. I think it's a part of a bigger idea I've had about how life is imitating sport more and more - and not just the day to day banal stuff, but the important stuff too. More to come on this...
My lesson for the day: My life needs more variety and change if when I hit the living room couch, your muscle memory is "on, 9-4-2-4, enter, set down remote, turn brain off" This is going to be a good change
Over the past two days, I've been fairly successful at my purging. No sports channels even appear on the guide on my TV anymore, I've blocked ESPN and SI on my computer, and unsubscribed from most emails (not Pirates emails yet - do they still qualify as sports?) It was not cathartic, it was not momentous, but it did feel final today when I came home from work, punched in the usual 9424 on the remote that leads to ESPN (usually the program Pardon the Interruption where two excellent sports writers debate lead stories of the day), and instead was directed to channel 9423 - which was featuring upcoming HD movies. That was a moment that caused me to think about how rote sports has been in my life - a daily ritual that was part of breakfast, coming home from work, and tucking myself in before bed. It's not that I haven't found other outlets - I am a busy professional after all - it's that it has been jarring just how often I turned to sports to numb my mind. Sports as brain anesthesia - nice for relaxing maybe, but not perhaps good for the grey matter otherwise. But that's not all.
Tonight, there was a promo for some Fox animation show (i forget which one), but LeBron James is guest voicing a part. And I saw him, and I shouted "You SUCK". Why? No idea. I don't even watch the NBA, but somehow after being told by so many talking heads that he's a villain, I owned it. I felt ashamed for that, but I also want to explore it some. I think it's a part of a bigger idea I've had about how life is imitating sport more and more - and not just the day to day banal stuff, but the important stuff too. More to come on this...
My lesson for the day: My life needs more variety and change if when I hit the living room couch, your muscle memory is "on, 9-4-2-4, enter, set down remote, turn brain off" This is going to be a good change
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Don't get used to it
Don't get me wrong, if I didn't like communicating I wouldn't be 1) a professor, 2) an extrovert, or c) blogging about anything (possible exception: a blog entitled my life without a computer). But I don't plan on blogging EVERY day - I would like to settle down to a couple times a week thing.
That said, the first 24 hours hours of any endeavour can often be pretty interesting.
Mondays are pretty busy for me, so avoidance of sports - not so challenging. Truthfully, the Steeler fan in me would have been avoiding all sports channels anyway for fear of reading about the other team, how Aaron Rogers has already achieved Saint Hood (St. Aaron of the Gouda, anyone), how many people were arrested in both towns for setting fire to furniture in the streets, whether it be in celebration or dismay. When pouting about my team, I tend to avoid learning anything about my team.
So let me address some of the questions you've asked thus far:
Lessons learned for the day: Greek MTV is kinda like India MTV, only with longer format songs, greek letters, it's called Blue (in English), and it seems they have a a thing for backdrops that you'd find at a midwestern yardsale.
That said, the first 24 hours hours of any endeavour can often be pretty interesting.
Mondays are pretty busy for me, so avoidance of sports - not so challenging. Truthfully, the Steeler fan in me would have been avoiding all sports channels anyway for fear of reading about the other team, how Aaron Rogers has already achieved Saint Hood (St. Aaron of the Gouda, anyone), how many people were arrested in both towns for setting fire to furniture in the streets, whether it be in celebration or dismay. When pouting about my team, I tend to avoid learning anything about my team.
So let me address some of the questions you've asked thus far:
- Just what am I avoiding? - I've blocked my goto websites, removed all fan pages from my facebook feed, tried to unsubscribe from any sports emails, and will be blocking all sports TV at home. I will skip sports sections of newspapers too, and when eating out, try to avoid sitting in view of sports (which may be hard, but Allyson can tell you, I usually try to sit watching sports - not good for dinner convo). If someone brings up sports, I'll try to explain what I'm doing - soon, I won't be much good at talking sports anyway
- Am I just a sore loser and that's why I'm doing this? - Yes, and yes. I have become a very sore loser, and it had been getting worse. Would I have been inspired to do this had the Steelers won? It's hard to be inspired to anything good when you're busy smugly rubbing a victory in peoples faces and writing mean posts on facebook.
- Are you going to regret this sudden decision? - I'm going to grow from this. Growth isn't supposed to be comfortable, and I bet there are times coming soon when I'm going to regret this, but I'm going to focus on the chance to explore so much more than box scores and strategies. I have some big plans, just wait and see. I hope to get to some of that later this week.
Lessons learned for the day: Greek MTV is kinda like India MTV, only with longer format songs, greek letters, it's called Blue (in English), and it seems they have a a thing for backdrops that you'd find at a midwestern yardsale.
Monday, February 7, 2011
About this blog
You might say I was born to be a Steelers fan. Late December 1978 - mere days before an important NFL Playoff game - I came into the world in a way that I envision happened something like this:
-Cue "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project
Announcer: At Outside Linebacker, weighing in at 10 lbs, 13 oz and measuring 24 inches tall, from Western Pennsylvania.... Todd Ellis!
There might have even been some baby powder thrown in the air, LeBron-style.
Seriously, the nurses gave me a hand-painted Terry Bradshaw ornament because I was so big, I should have suited up that week to help my team. Not that they needed it, as they went on to win yet another NFL Championship. Like I said - born to be a Steelers fan.
Fast forward a few decades...
Last night culminated a long two weeks. The Steelers lost Super Bowl XLV to the Green Bay Packers. After a week of heckling from people I haven't spoken to in years and two weeks of getting more and more homesick for being around "my fans" rather than being stuck in Upstate NY in no-persons-land, I endured a night of sitting on the same couch as a woman whom I had never before met that just kept pushing and needling and taking shots that were getting increasingly personal. I faked a stomach bug so I didn't completely lose it in front of colleagues and friends. I entertained thoughts of how quickly I could find a new job back in Pittsburgh so that this never happened again. I went home depressed and embarrassed - that a game could bring so many of us to so base a level as to render meaningless, even for a moment, the real tragedies in life. Tragedies that are so numerous and current that if we think for a moment, we should all be embarrassed that we ever let them slip our minds. I went home and realized that sports was not the pleasant diversion I was pretending it was... it is a stressor, and a big one at that. The first step is admitting that I have a problem. I don't say that lightly or to kid.
It's time for a change.
While I don't know how I am going to pull it off, my goal is to go off-the-grid with sports for the next year. No Sportscenter. No games on TV. I'll allow myself the occasional visit to the Baseball HOF since I'm still a member there for the year, but otherwise, I want to remember who I am without the antagonism and anger of being a fan. And I plan to use this time to explore the theme of how sports has infiltrated so much of our lives. I'm hoping that, by standing on the outside, I can see things more clearly, question some priorities for myself and our society, and share insights as they come. I'm going "off-the gridiron", I'm hoping you'll join me and that it'll be worth your while. But even if this is nothing more than my personal journal, it'll be worth it.
-Cue "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project
Announcer: At Outside Linebacker, weighing in at 10 lbs, 13 oz and measuring 24 inches tall, from Western Pennsylvania.... Todd Ellis!
There might have even been some baby powder thrown in the air, LeBron-style.
Seriously, the nurses gave me a hand-painted Terry Bradshaw ornament because I was so big, I should have suited up that week to help my team. Not that they needed it, as they went on to win yet another NFL Championship. Like I said - born to be a Steelers fan.
Fast forward a few decades...
Last night culminated a long two weeks. The Steelers lost Super Bowl XLV to the Green Bay Packers. After a week of heckling from people I haven't spoken to in years and two weeks of getting more and more homesick for being around "my fans" rather than being stuck in Upstate NY in no-persons-land, I endured a night of sitting on the same couch as a woman whom I had never before met that just kept pushing and needling and taking shots that were getting increasingly personal. I faked a stomach bug so I didn't completely lose it in front of colleagues and friends. I entertained thoughts of how quickly I could find a new job back in Pittsburgh so that this never happened again. I went home depressed and embarrassed - that a game could bring so many of us to so base a level as to render meaningless, even for a moment, the real tragedies in life. Tragedies that are so numerous and current that if we think for a moment, we should all be embarrassed that we ever let them slip our minds. I went home and realized that sports was not the pleasant diversion I was pretending it was... it is a stressor, and a big one at that. The first step is admitting that I have a problem. I don't say that lightly or to kid.
It's time for a change.
While I don't know how I am going to pull it off, my goal is to go off-the-grid with sports for the next year. No Sportscenter. No games on TV. I'll allow myself the occasional visit to the Baseball HOF since I'm still a member there for the year, but otherwise, I want to remember who I am without the antagonism and anger of being a fan. And I plan to use this time to explore the theme of how sports has infiltrated so much of our lives. I'm hoping that, by standing on the outside, I can see things more clearly, question some priorities for myself and our society, and share insights as they come. I'm going "off-the gridiron", I'm hoping you'll join me and that it'll be worth your while. But even if this is nothing more than my personal journal, it'll be worth it.
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About Me
- Todd Ellis
- I'm passionate about educating everyone about weather and the climate. (P.S. Climate change is not a belief, but a documentable scientific phenomenon) Plus, I'm an avid sports fan, who has sworn off sports for the year. That ought to be interesting...